I was always told I was selfish and lazy. Really I was an introvert who didn’t want what society was handing her. There weren’t words for that in the GenX era other than shy or weird. I forced myself into situations that made me uncomfortable and used alcohol to make me brave. I’ve finally stepped into a relative quiet and turned away from the voices outside my head. It’s a relief to stop hating myself.
Oh Deidre, I feel ya. I'm so glad that you have found your peace and long may it reign. I think so many neurodivergence was misunderstood in our Gen X upbringing and hopefully more and more midlifers will find out their "weirdness" is a super power.
My mother called me selfish my entire childhood. I remember asking her when I was 11 years old if she thought I'd be a good mom someday. She didn't hesitate to tell me I'd a horrible mom because I was so selfish. I left home at 14, thank goodness, but I still hear her voice regularly. Of course I've had more than my share of therapy, but the whole "selfish" bit is still a struggle.
This was so beautifully written. I think I need to read it every morning for the rest of my life. 💖
Selfish and lazy and crazy… sigh. These words are deeply ingrained in me over the years as an ADHD woman. Now that I’m finally diagnosed and in peri-menopause, I’m out of F’s to give.
The irony of being a needy human but presenting myself as "low maintenance" is that I would eventually attempt to voice my needs after a year or so, once the relationship was well established and I felt safe enough to finally speak up. But then, my boyfriend would freak out and accuse me of having done nothing but complain and criticize him since day one! (When I knew good and well I'd been swallowing all those complaints and criticisms, shoving my needs way way down so he'd never suspect I had any!) It was so crazy-making. Either I'm not as good an actress as I think I am, or those boys were taught gaslighting techniques at an early age.
oof that is so true about Gen X (gen X here), off to read that post now - I either missed it before, or forgot (see my latest post!) and need to read it again!
Throughout my life, my mother used the word "selfish" as a weapon when she disagreed with my independent choices. She said it was selfish of me to want to leave the family home and move out on my own. Why? Because then she couldn't control me and monitor my every move. The tipping point was when she told me I was too selfish to be a mother. I knew she was wrong, but hearing those words come from her mouth hurt me. Deeply. And when I later struggled with fertility, it hurt even more. So "selfish" has become a word that I use sparingly. Over the years, I learned to consider who is saying it and what their motives are. More often than not, it's meant as a means to exercise influence over my decisions. And, sorry. It doesn't work.
Why is it always the mothers? That's so tough for you, I'm sorry. I agree when you say it might be a way to influence our own decisions. Maybe the word is pulled out by people in a panic when they realize you actually have independent needs.
Oh, sometimes it's the fathers. My dad would tell me I was being "one-way" if I didn't check with everyone in the family to make sure they didn't need anything before I went to the kitchen to get a snack or closed my bedroom door to get some peace and quiet. And I was "histrionic" if I acted angry or sad.
I was always told I was selfish and lazy. Really I was an introvert who didn’t want what society was handing her. There weren’t words for that in the GenX era other than shy or weird. I forced myself into situations that made me uncomfortable and used alcohol to make me brave. I’ve finally stepped into a relative quiet and turned away from the voices outside my head. It’s a relief to stop hating myself.
Oh Deidre, I feel ya. I'm so glad that you have found your peace and long may it reign. I think so many neurodivergence was misunderstood in our Gen X upbringing and hopefully more and more midlifers will find out their "weirdness" is a super power.
My mother called me selfish my entire childhood. I remember asking her when I was 11 years old if she thought I'd be a good mom someday. She didn't hesitate to tell me I'd a horrible mom because I was so selfish. I left home at 14, thank goodness, but I still hear her voice regularly. Of course I've had more than my share of therapy, but the whole "selfish" bit is still a struggle.
This was so beautifully written. I think I need to read it every morning for the rest of my life. 💖
How awful, Jennifer. Sounds like she should have never been a Mom! I'm glad this resonated and the matras might help you too.
Selfish and lazy and crazy… sigh. These words are deeply ingrained in me over the years as an ADHD woman. Now that I’m finally diagnosed and in peri-menopause, I’m out of F’s to give.
Good for you, Rachel!
Same! I often heard needy and difficult and constantly complaining, too.
Oh no! You have needs! How very human of you.
The irony of being a needy human but presenting myself as "low maintenance" is that I would eventually attempt to voice my needs after a year or so, once the relationship was well established and I felt safe enough to finally speak up. But then, my boyfriend would freak out and accuse me of having done nothing but complain and criticize him since day one! (When I knew good and well I'd been swallowing all those complaints and criticisms, shoving my needs way way down so he'd never suspect I had any!) It was so crazy-making. Either I'm not as good an actress as I think I am, or those boys were taught gaslighting techniques at an early age.
I'm sorry you had to experience that! I think sometimes partners have such a stake in your staying easy!
oof that is so true about Gen X (gen X here), off to read that post now - I either missed it before, or forgot (see my latest post!) and need to read it again!
I hope you enjoy the “high-maintenance” post. It’s a pretty personal one for me.
Absolutely love this essay! Did I miss the free journal prompt? Also, should I cancel my weekend plans and binge The Four Seasons?
Ah! Just noticed I cut off the journal prompt. I will fix this afternoon and let you know. And YES. Definitely worth a binge.
Whoohoo! Thank you on both counts!
Throughout my life, my mother used the word "selfish" as a weapon when she disagreed with my independent choices. She said it was selfish of me to want to leave the family home and move out on my own. Why? Because then she couldn't control me and monitor my every move. The tipping point was when she told me I was too selfish to be a mother. I knew she was wrong, but hearing those words come from her mouth hurt me. Deeply. And when I later struggled with fertility, it hurt even more. So "selfish" has become a word that I use sparingly. Over the years, I learned to consider who is saying it and what their motives are. More often than not, it's meant as a means to exercise influence over my decisions. And, sorry. It doesn't work.
Why is it always the mothers? That's so tough for you, I'm sorry. I agree when you say it might be a way to influence our own decisions. Maybe the word is pulled out by people in a panic when they realize you actually have independent needs.
Oh, sometimes it's the fathers. My dad would tell me I was being "one-way" if I didn't check with everyone in the family to make sure they didn't need anything before I went to the kitchen to get a snack or closed my bedroom door to get some peace and quiet. And I was "histrionic" if I acted angry or sad.
So icky. They can cause lifetime damage.