This is a Narrative Shift. One limiting belief, one reframe, one writing practice to move you through it.
I know the feeling, heroine! You passed the age of forty and (poof!) disappeared. We may indeed have resented only being noticed because we were a pretty young thing, but at least we could get people's attention. And I'm not just talking about the men here. Women overvalue pretty young things, too. Widespread societal beauty and age biases can unconsciously influence women’s perceptions and behaviors.1
In other words, we can be just as blind to the wise women in our presence as the men are (check yourself next time you're in a professional environment: who do you give the most credence to?)
Let me tell you a story about my experience with invisibility while doing business in China. I vividly remember the first phone call with the consultant who would help me find my Chinese suppliers. By that point, the company had moved well beyond selling the goods of US distributors. It was time to manufacture my own products and designs, but first, I had to find a factory.
"Can your husband come?" He asked.
"Sure," I answered. "But why? He's not involved in my business."
"They'll take you more seriously if you have a man with you."
And he was right.
I felt like this…
“Where’s the bloke, love?”
That trip (and the many that followed) was an eye-opener for so many reasons, but the casual sexism was rampant. I would ask a question, and the factory owner would turn and direct the reply to my husband. The factory reps (even the women) would lead my husband first through every door, hand him every sample, and defer to his lunch order before they even came to mine.
Now, as a "ballsy American chick" (which is what one of my favourite writing lecturers here in Scotland used to call me), you can imagine that this kind of treatment rubbed me the wrong way. Most of all, my invisibility hurt my ego (It’s my company, you stupid people! I started it from nothing and grew it all alone!)
But on that trip, once I got over my bruised ego, I realized that invisibility is a superpower. While my husband took care of all the hand-shaking and question asking, I could use my superpower to become the Chinese Factory stealth operator. I got to listen and watch. I inspected the factory lines, smiled at the workers to see their reactions, noted the body language of the underlings, and picked up the samples that weren't handed to me. I left my husband to answer the same basic queries we had about every factory and got to dig a heck of a lot deeper because all the attention was on him.
This concept of entrepreneurial stealth isn't just something I made up. Flying under the radar before making big moves can significantly benefit entrepreneurial endeavors.2
Okay, so you aren't currently doing business in China, but this is all still relevant to us Westerners. We are the "invisible older women." It's a fact that our society discredits women's contributions as they age.3
Do you see the magic in this? You don't have to resent being invisible. You can re-write your narrative to "I’m the stealth operator who controls my presence." You can use your superpower of invisibility when you need to fly under the radar and change the world while no one is looking, and then when you need to make people look, you can take up the space you are entitled to.
Use this week's reflection prompts to determine how you feel about your invisibility, and then use this week's reinvention steps to put you right back into action!
Narrative Shift:
Limiting belief:
I am invisible
Empowering narrative:
I’m the stealth operator who controls my presence
Reflection Prompts:
Where Does This Feel Threatening?
When in your life does invisibility feel like it’s robbing you of validation or opportunities?
What happens when I allow myself to take up space?
What Might You Gain from Being Unseen?
Think of a recent situation where you felt overlooked. How could that “stealth mode” have been put to your advantage?
Are You Hiding or Being Hidden?
Is invisibility something imposed on you, or are you unconsciously opting out of the spotlight to avoid judgment?
Reinvention Steps:
Embrace the “Fly on the Wall” Position
Next time you’re in a meeting, social event, or family gathering, intentionally remain quiet for five minutes and just watch. Record three things you notice—facial expressions, power dynamics, or unspoken rules.
Goal: Help you see how invisibility can be a vantage point for insights.
Reclaim Visibility on Your Terms
Identify a situation where you usually feel silenced or overlooked (e.g., group discussions at work or with your family at work). Prepare one assertive statement, question, or input, and then activate your Mrs. Boss powers and share it.
Goal: Demonstrate that you can turn on visibility whenever you choose.
Invisibility & Ego Work
Ego Check: Reflect on a situation (like my factory example) where you wanted to be acknowledged but weren’t. Write down the emotional triggers (e.g., frustration, anger) and how letting go of your ego could have improved the outcome.
Goal: Understand how to “neutralize” ego to leverage stealth advantage without feeling disrespected.
Strategic Spotlight
Once a week, practice stepping into the spotlight in a low-risk environment. Speak up in a small meeting or volunteer for a brief presentation if you’re at work. Express your desires and opinions without hedging at home.
Goal: Build confidence in toggling between stealth and visibility.
Check-In
After one month, revisit your experiences. Where did invisibility empower you? When did you actively choose to be visible?
Goal: Solidify a balanced approach: you control when to fade back, and when to claim the floor.
Worksheet Link:
That’s a Narrative Shift. It’s free, worksheet and all.
When you’re ready for the heavier kit: every other week I publish a Quest, a full printable workbook that walks you through a whole change, start to finish. They live in The Quest Library, alongside The Story Room (live quarterly salons and a magazine that pays writers).
Johnson, S. K., Podratz, K. E., Dipboye, R. L., & Gibbons, E. (2010). Physical attractiveness biases in ratings of employment suitability: Tracking down the “beauty is beastly” effect. The Journal of Social Psychology, 150(3), 301–318.
Harvard Business Review. (2017). The Advantages of Stealth Entrepreneurship.
Clark, F. (2015). Gendered Ageism: The Invisible Older Woman. Journal of Women & Aging, 27(3).
Stealth advantage - thank you for this reframing. It gives me a lot to consider.
I liken this to being a secondary character in a stage play who knows how to pull focus even when the spotlight is not shining directly on them. A powerful skill.