I've experienced this exact discomfort for many years now. First when I hopped off the hamster wheel and sold everything to travel in a van. Then more recently when I became a caregiver for my elderly parents. Some form of 'what do you do' or 'where do you work' just flusters me, every time. Like it's my only value. My own dad asked me about a job while I was in the heat of 24/7/365 care of my mom, who had very combative dementia. It's bizarre how tied to work our worth is here in the US.
It’s tough when that is the only identity and it becomes all-defining. How would you answer my question… “What’s your favourite thing to do with your time?”
Walking/hiking, reading, researching my grandpa's service during WWII, making weird but delicious salads (I follow a funny gal on the 'gram who has the goofiest ideas for healthy salads), attempting to grow tomatoes, redecorating my room and bathroom, listening to true crime podcasts... and if I could actually leave, I'd travel in my van again - but that's on hold for now.
I love any question that forces (or fosters) authenticity. What's your favorite thing you do with your time qualifies. I call myself a beauty hunter, and I find it most through writing, being in nature, creating, and connecting with others.
I love this idea of “What do you do?” as a threshold guardian. And you know, the best way to relate to a threshold guardian is to make them an ally. That’s brilliant.
I remember when I left a job and moved continents, I didn't work for a while. I hated the dreaded what do you do question. And my answer would be 'I used to be...'. It took a while for me to find myself outside of the box of a role. And I finally got to a point where I could respond 'I do absolutely nothing, and I love it!'. What excites me is writing, padel, being out in nature, and spending time with my puppy who makes me smile every day.
To be honest, that's how it kind of felt. It was a big growth point for me to value myself beyond my work. I had learned to get attention and love through achievement.
It is not just in the US but everywhere in the western world. I've just opted off the hamster wheel and I am buying a studio flat. The notary wants to know my profession. Can I say I am without or should i say I'm a writer - a real quandary... I opted in the end for "no profession" which is so awful but I don't earn my living writing. The worst question I have ever heard in a networking situation was "who do you know?" I made a face and said "Nobody".. The guy moved on regardless to say 🙄
If you write, you are a writer. Why do we have to earn a living at an identity to claim it as our own. I don't earn a living by being a woman, but I wouldn't say I'm not one. We're just gonna call you a writer. 😊
Heh. In "That 70s show", Red loses his job, and when someone asks him what he does, he snaps, "About what?"
I live in the Emerald Triangle, and asking that question is a big faux pax. Everyone was doing the same thing, we all knew it. It was illegal. If you don't know, you certainly don't ask. No details would be forthcoming. Everyone had a good cover story, too, just in case they needed it. The cover stories were fascinating lives...artists, mostly. Potters, svultptors, gardeners...people with dream professions.
I train horses. I actually have spent a lifetime riding horses and teaching people how to do it. When I say that, people don't know how to answer. They'll say, "what do you train them to do?" Which is a ridiculously ignorant question. I get flustered because it's not a fun conversation. I train them how to be ridden, obviously (so snarky) but if you're really interested in that, it's a much longer conversation than we'll have over cheese and crackers.
I also bartend, and everyone wants to know where I'm from. I've lived all over the US, and now I live here. So if I go somewhere else, I'm from here. But I wasn't born here, so people here know I'm not from here. They would never ask where I'm from; they don't care. The customer at the bar is just making conversation, so I try to be witty, and hedge. Sometimes they'll say, "but where did you grow up?" And my answer is, "I haven't".
I don't know what the Emerald Triangle is, but I'm certainly going to go and look it up!! I get the "but where did you grow up" question a lot too, and I love your answer.
I am not yet retired but I've started on on my writing career. If someone asks that is what I say. Less looking back or the microscope of the present, more looking at the future. Always moving forward.
Oooh I love this! I like to ask 'what are you excited about right now?' or, if the answer is nothing (it usually gives people pause at least... 'do you have any special interests?' - it helps that most of the people I know are neurodivergent! This usually tells me much more about a person than their job (yawn). Having said that, my favourite thing, special interest and work is all writing! Took a long time and a lot of trauma to get here though.
That’s a fabulous question, too, Rachael! I am particularly excited right now about the Salon on the 16th. But I, like you, am excited every day about writing!
“Hey LM, what’s your favorite thing you do with your time?” So much better -as you mentioned, with that opening- I could answer maybe any of the following; gardening with containers, identifying wildflowers, writing, spending time with Oliver my grandson, riding bikes and paddleboarding with my big dog Corrie, making pies for others with a butter and shortening pie crust-you see, I'm a pie-crust snob." Oh- and I help farmers and ranchers in regenerative ag--"
Imagining where the conversation could go from there-- with a person that connects. Delightful way to socialize!
Okay, now that is a response I would want to dig into! I’m interested in every subject you brought up, both in terms of contribution and also learning. I would also want to know if you can make your crusts gluten-free!
I've experienced this exact discomfort for many years now. First when I hopped off the hamster wheel and sold everything to travel in a van. Then more recently when I became a caregiver for my elderly parents. Some form of 'what do you do' or 'where do you work' just flusters me, every time. Like it's my only value. My own dad asked me about a job while I was in the heat of 24/7/365 care of my mom, who had very combative dementia. It's bizarre how tied to work our worth is here in the US.
It’s tough when that is the only identity and it becomes all-defining. How would you answer my question… “What’s your favourite thing to do with your time?”
Walking/hiking, reading, researching my grandpa's service during WWII, making weird but delicious salads (I follow a funny gal on the 'gram who has the goofiest ideas for healthy salads), attempting to grow tomatoes, redecorating my room and bathroom, listening to true crime podcasts... and if I could actually leave, I'd travel in my van again - but that's on hold for now.
I love any question that forces (or fosters) authenticity. What's your favorite thing you do with your time qualifies. I call myself a beauty hunter, and I find it most through writing, being in nature, creating, and connecting with others.
I love that you are a beauty hunter, Leslie!
I love this idea of “What do you do?” as a threshold guardian. And you know, the best way to relate to a threshold guardian is to make them an ally. That’s brilliant.
The best way to get past any threshold guardian is to figure out what makes them tick. 😊
I remember when I left a job and moved continents, I didn't work for a while. I hated the dreaded what do you do question. And my answer would be 'I used to be...'. It took a while for me to find myself outside of the box of a role. And I finally got to a point where I could respond 'I do absolutely nothing, and I love it!'. What excites me is writing, padel, being out in nature, and spending time with my puppy who makes me smile every day.
"I used to be" ouch. Almost like without a job you didn't even exist.
To be honest, that's how it kind of felt. It was a big growth point for me to value myself beyond my work. I had learned to get attention and love through achievement.
That’s a huge growth point, Jody. I’m impressed you got there.
It did take a while, and it wasn't easy. But it was very liberating when I did get there.
Reminds me of a piece I wrote a few weeks ago
https://joannedoylewrites.substack.com/p/please-dont-ask-me-what-i-do-for?r=3s9z4a&utm_medium=ios
Great piece, Joanne! It must be so frustrating to be denied choices and then questioned as if the denial was yours.
Thank you 🙏🏼
It is not just in the US but everywhere in the western world. I've just opted off the hamster wheel and I am buying a studio flat. The notary wants to know my profession. Can I say I am without or should i say I'm a writer - a real quandary... I opted in the end for "no profession" which is so awful but I don't earn my living writing. The worst question I have ever heard in a networking situation was "who do you know?" I made a face and said "Nobody".. The guy moved on regardless to say 🙄
If you write, you are a writer. Why do we have to earn a living at an identity to claim it as our own. I don't earn a living by being a woman, but I wouldn't say I'm not one. We're just gonna call you a writer. 😊
Thank you. I'm a writer.
Heh. In "That 70s show", Red loses his job, and when someone asks him what he does, he snaps, "About what?"
I live in the Emerald Triangle, and asking that question is a big faux pax. Everyone was doing the same thing, we all knew it. It was illegal. If you don't know, you certainly don't ask. No details would be forthcoming. Everyone had a good cover story, too, just in case they needed it. The cover stories were fascinating lives...artists, mostly. Potters, svultptors, gardeners...people with dream professions.
I train horses. I actually have spent a lifetime riding horses and teaching people how to do it. When I say that, people don't know how to answer. They'll say, "what do you train them to do?" Which is a ridiculously ignorant question. I get flustered because it's not a fun conversation. I train them how to be ridden, obviously (so snarky) but if you're really interested in that, it's a much longer conversation than we'll have over cheese and crackers.
I also bartend, and everyone wants to know where I'm from. I've lived all over the US, and now I live here. So if I go somewhere else, I'm from here. But I wasn't born here, so people here know I'm not from here. They would never ask where I'm from; they don't care. The customer at the bar is just making conversation, so I try to be witty, and hedge. Sometimes they'll say, "but where did you grow up?" And my answer is, "I haven't".
I don't know what the Emerald Triangle is, but I'm certainly going to go and look it up!! I get the "but where did you grow up" question a lot too, and I love your answer.
I am not yet retired but I've started on on my writing career. If someone asks that is what I say. Less looking back or the microscope of the present, more looking at the future. Always moving forward.
Fabulous response. And plenty to start a super interesting conversation.
Oooh I love this! I like to ask 'what are you excited about right now?' or, if the answer is nothing (it usually gives people pause at least... 'do you have any special interests?' - it helps that most of the people I know are neurodivergent! This usually tells me much more about a person than their job (yawn). Having said that, my favourite thing, special interest and work is all writing! Took a long time and a lot of trauma to get here though.
That’s a fabulous question, too, Rachael! I am particularly excited right now about the Salon on the 16th. But I, like you, am excited every day about writing!
“Hey LM, what’s your favorite thing you do with your time?” So much better -as you mentioned, with that opening- I could answer maybe any of the following; gardening with containers, identifying wildflowers, writing, spending time with Oliver my grandson, riding bikes and paddleboarding with my big dog Corrie, making pies for others with a butter and shortening pie crust-you see, I'm a pie-crust snob." Oh- and I help farmers and ranchers in regenerative ag--"
Imagining where the conversation could go from there-- with a person that connects. Delightful way to socialize!
Okay, now that is a response I would want to dig into! I’m interested in every subject you brought up, both in terms of contribution and also learning. I would also want to know if you can make your crusts gluten-free!
I can. Almond flour. Come for tea at 4 PM CDT and have a visit.
That’s 10pm here. Keep the cake warm.
Aga's got your back. She'll keep it warm until we meet.
Gotta love an Aga!