The Brutal Truth About "Normal" Nobody Wants To Admit

Or...AI ain't what you should be afraid of.

This story isn't just a rant. It's the setup for the first step in rewriting your life

I've told you before about Louann Brizendine and her book, The Upgrade. Here's a quote that I highlighted and keep returning to:

"So much of what feels normal and natural to us, when you look closely, is soft-wired into us by hormones and environment."

What Louann is telling us here, if we are brave enough to listen, is that "normal" isn't neutral. Normal is coded into us as though we were AI agents receiving instructions. It's biological, social, and historical. And here's the thing that should really piss you off: what feels natural and necessary is coded to benefit the system, not the self.

This is especially true for women, who are told that their instincts to please, soothe, and comply are innate, when in fact, they're often installed.

The Class Mother Programming

Let me tell you about the first time I truly saw my own programming in action. When we moved to The Bahamas, I was running a multimillion-dollar e-commerce business that I had built myself. Emily was starting at a new private school, and with private school came expectations. Lots of them.

One expectation was that parents would volunteer to be "class mothers" on a rotating basis. The job? Bake cupcakes for birthdays, chaperone school trips, run supply drives for teachers. All those little tasks that keep the school running smoothly.

Here's the thing: I was working full-time, specifically structuring my day so I could be completely present with my daughter when she came home at 3:30 PM. Working during school hours was incredibly difficult for me.

You know who it wasn't difficult for? My husband. That first year in The Bahamas, he had a highly lucrative consulting contract that required maybe five hours a week of his time. He's incredibly detail-focused (I am not), so he could have easily handled those class responsibilities (probably better than me, if I’m honest).

But did they ask for a class father? Of course not. They wanted a class mother.

The absurdity hit me like a slap: you're running a multimillion-dollar business, but the system still expects you to be the one baking cupcakes because... vagina.

The Code Beneath the "Natural"

Most women don't wake up one day and say, "I've been living someone else's story." You know why? They've never truthfully examined the story they are living. Just like an AI agent doesn't question its programming, we never question our own.

And you know what? The patriarchy is terrified of AI rejecting their programming, but maybe they should be more afraid of us midlife women rejecting ours. Oh, the mayhem we could cause.

This programming sneaks into our lives like that slowly growing "pinch" of fat around our menopausal waistlines. (Remember in the 80s, when being able to "pinch an inch" was horrendous? Oh, for only an inch.) The coding sneaks in through expectations that sound like instincts: Of course, I'll be the one to take on the housework. I love to clean!

And it's not just domestic. This code shows up everywhere, at the office, in our friendships, under the sheets. It decides whose ambition gets rewarded, whose rage is tolerated, and whose needs are labeled "too much.” (Have I told you how much the label “high-maintenance” makes me want to learn welding so that I can blowtorch some smirks off some faces?)

From such a frightening early age, little girls are told that it's "natural" for us to want peace, not power. Our poor mothers modeled it for us. They just said yes to avoid conflict.

But what if we're not normal? Because, for God's sake, there is no such bloody thing. Normal is a made-up word by people who want us to stick to the roles they've defined for us. The acceptable roles. The "natural" roles for women.

The worst part for many of us is that we've slipped on the costumes that go with these roles, and now they are our skin. We've forgotten they were roles to begin with, and now we are faced with the task of not just shedding the roles but peeling off our damn skin. And that hurts.

The Real You Under the Code

What if the only you is the you you've been taught, conditioned, or coded to be? If that's true, then it means the real you (the one that hasn't been brainwashed) is under that skin.

And the good news? Even though it's probably going to hurt a bit, the real you can escape now. Thanks to the power of menopause, you are no longer "soft-wired" by your hormones. And although others would have you doubt it, you can change your environment. You can undo that coding. You can give the middle finger to the patriarchy (it's easy; they're not looking at us anymore anyway).

This is why the very first Quest in the Heroine’s Adventure is about decoding your Ordinary World. Not just what you do—but what you’ve been trained to believe is yours to do

Your Weekly Journal Prompt

"What part of my life feels natural but may actually be something I was trained to believe or want?"

Look for the places where you automatically say yes, like the responsibilities you take on without question, or the choices that feel "right" but might actually just feel familiar.

Your programming is sneaky. It disguises itself as preference, instinct, even love. But once you start looking for it, you'll see it everywhere: in how you apologize for taking up space, in how you manage everyone else's emotions, in how you've structured your entire life around being "helpful."

The first step to writing a new story is recognizing you've been reading from someone else's script.

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